Upon a time when someone was talking during a movie, a simple shush was good enough to make them stop. Not anymore. Hell, the talkers are on the offensive now…as well as the defensive. They are starting to actually think they have the right to discuss the movie…plot points, characters, even actor’s names any time during the film.

No. You. Don’t. I’m not talking about the occasional return from a potty break with the inevitable “What did I miss?” That’s bad enough, but as long as it‘s brief and hushed, I can forgive it…I’m talking about full blown conversations.

July 3, 1996: The Cineplex Odeon - Stratford Square Mall, Bloomingdale, Illinois. The film: INDEPENDENCE DAY.  Full house. Lively crowd for the popcorn flick of the summer. Nothing wrong with that. Enter problem: I’m sitting next to a tree. This dude is big. Pro football player big. He finds it necessary to narrate the story for his less than cranially endowed girlfriend. C’mon…it’s not Shakespeare…it’s Will Smith, Bill Pullman and Jeff Goldblum kickin’ some alien butt. No explanation necessary…it’s built right in to the movie. I’m not trying to be politically incorrect, but with the assumption that either your eyes or your ears work it’s a simple plot to follow.

I put up with the talking for as long as I could. I thought about how this dude could probably pick me up and throw me three or four rows away with one hand while still munching popcorn with the other. Still, I’d reached the end of my patience. I held my hand, palm up toward him and said, “Give me my seven bucks back or explain it to her while you watch it at home.” Or something like that…it’s been a while. I did hold my hand out and express myself with irritation in my voice.

Guess what? The big dude and his girlfriend didn’t say another word for the rest of the movie. I am pretty sure I simply embarrassed him into quietude. Good enough for me.

Fast forward a few years. Celebration Cinema North - Grand Rapids. I don’t remember which film. I wasn’t the talker or the “immediate victim” but I did hear a bit of murmuring. During the end credits I heard someone say in an angry voice, “You could have asked us nicely to be quiet.” I was instantly mad. I was prepared to jump in with the obvious if I was needed. The obvious? The moment you become a disturbance because of your talking during a movie, that’s when you have given up your right to be “asked” to be quiet. You didn’t have the courtesy to not talk…why should the person or persons who are trying to enjoy the movie without your input have to “ask” you anything? Answer: they shouldn’t. Ever. Roll end credits, that show is over, thanks for coming.

The new century has brought with it danger to those who seek the escapism of the cinema. And I’m not talking about the arterial clogging butter flavored topping either. No…I’m talking about belligerent talkers. Extreme…EXTREME belligerent talkers.

November 30, 2003 : Celebration Cinema - Rivertown Crossings Mall. The movie…MYSTIC RIVER. The situation: An old man is watching the film with his wife or whatever. They are about seven or eight seats to my right exactly one row behind me. The old man is telling his companion everything he thinks she needs to know about the plot…and more. Example: “That one is Sean Penn, and the other one is Tim Robbins.” Really?

Again, I reached the end of my rope…and I turned and said simply, “Do you mind?” To this, the old guy rose from his seat and with a verbal one-two punch called me ‘fatso’ and threatened to kick my ass. Probably an old sailor or whatever. I have no doubt that the old man would try it. It was most of the way through the film, so I simply shook my head at him and tried to ignore the talking if it continued. Surprise…it did NOT continue.

I’ve shushed one or two more people since then, but mostly just ignore the noise the best I can…and depending upon just how irritated I was made during any given movie, I complained to the concierge afterward.

In the past week or so there were two news items that remind me of this particular issue. The first is this: A man shushed a talker and was physically attacked moments later. The talker pulled out a meat thermometer and stabbed the shusher in the neck.

WTF? There is so much wrong with that scenario. First off, what was the guy doing with a meat thermometer in his pocket during a movie? This almost screams premeditation. He was actually talking in order to get a rise out of someone…so he could pull it out and use it. Stranger things? Secondly, if it really was not premeditated…and simply a crime of passion…and at the moment the meat thermometer was used…it WAS a crime, then again…WTF? Everybody knows you’re supposed to behave yourself and respect your fellow filmgoers, right? The Celebration Cinema group has even crafted pre-film advertisements to remind the film going public of just such examples of etiquette. I’m sure other chains have just such PSA’s as well.

The next story is one of redemption (sort of). During a movie a woman’s cell phone began to ring. As she was bending to answer it, the chair arm fell and hit her on the head. She is suing the theater for this. Can I get a WTF? She obviously deserved to get conked, though it didn’t hit her hard enough to knock any sense into her. If she had been bending over to pick up her purse, or popcorn, or napkin…whatever, I can see having her complain to the concierge after the movie. Since she should have: A.) turned her cell phone off; or B.) muted it or put it on vibrate before the feature started, the onus is on her. This was theater karma at work, sort of karma corn, if you will. If I were her, I would have been too ashamed to bring it up to anyone related to the theater. Shame on her…and good for that armrest!

So…though I may be taking my health in my own hands when next I attend the local Cineplex, I hold it as my prerogative to be the champion of movie going etiquette. If you are sitting a row or two behind me and feel the urge to talk, all I can say is this:

SHUT UP!!!  Please.  Sorry...Pretty Please.

      One bonus - perhaps the only one - to getting knocked down to a four-day work week is being able to go to movies on opening Fridays and pay matinee prices. I did that (again) yesterday. Twice. And the directional indicators were spinning, that’s for sure.

Film one: UP, the latest offering from Disney & Pixar. I saw it with my sister and nephew in 3-D. When a picture show is offered in 3-D I feel most obligated to see it that way. Though I enjoyed the film very much. I laughed in all the right places and even got a bit misty-eyed at the end. Hey…I’m not proud…I do have a gooey marshmallow center, y’know. One thing that I noticed is that with the constant aerial shots and such…the 3-D effects didn’t have the oomph that I have noticed in other recent flicks. Though the picture was crisp and clean, I think that the “Whoa!” factor was higher in movies like CORALINE and MONSTERS VS. ALIENS. Still…the film was a heckuva ride and I believe that all of my friends and family members that have similar tastes in this kinda stuff will like it a lot.

As for the other direction…I went back sans sister and nephew to allow horror maestro Sam Raimi to DRAG ME TO HELL. Though I was initially disappointed to learn that the film was getting a PG-13 rating, I knew that, as a fan of Maestro Raimi’s, I would see it regardless. Since seeing the flick, I finally checked out articles in the monthly horror magazines and found that the director was contractually obligated to deliver a PG-13 film to the studio. He fully expects to be allowed a director’s cut with the eventual release of the DVD. I’m so there. DRAG ME TO HELL never scared me…but it was fun to watch. I certainly squirmed a time or two with some of the gross-out gags. Ramped up to an un-rated level on the DVD it must be something to watch!

I hope to have many such enjoyable experiences in my local Cineplex as well as those far off. My goal has been in recent years to visit at least six new movie theaters a year. I managed to make it to four in 2006, but since then, though I have found new ones, I have not been able to see movies at any of them. Maybe this will be the year that I set the precedent with the desired six. So far I have found at least two theaters in Battle Creek and two or three in Novi that will make fun Saturday road trips should the gasoline prices not continue on their upward trend too quickly.

I have also been tempted to resurrect the ZOMBIE OF THE MONTH as the ZOMBIE OF THE MOMENT which I hinted at months ago. There is no shortage of zombie movies to choose from. In fact, I shouldn’t have to resort to ones I’ve already seen for quite some time. Still…there are a few in that category that I’d like to “honor”, but time will tell.